I hate having to rely on negative energy so that I could write. I think this is what they call negative inspiration. Why am I dwelling on negative things so much? Why can't I just let go of everything that makes me feel bad?
Why can't I let you go?
Inspiration
I hate the fact that I have to go through some emotional instability to be able to vent my feelings out. That I no longer get inspired to write about how awesome my day was. And when I feel all shit, it's the only time I can let my emotions flourish all over my blog. Maybe it's because I'm too overwhelmed when I had a really fun day or experience. I know it's awesome and it's all in my head, so why can't I write about it? Would it make me sound, uhm, what's the word, overacting? Would I come across to you as someone overjoyed by the smallest things?
Pretending 101
Since my tumblr's gone public now (gah, I hate ~staLkErz~), it's about time I blog here. I promise I will post everything diary-esque here and leave all the *creative* writing on my tumblr. Hey, did you know I forgot this blog's URL? Hahaha.
So what have I been up to? Our org's applicants recently held their Talents Night a couple of days ago. And like the past TNs, there is always an after-party. Our barkada didn't go with the traditional drinking + karaoke in some bar in Katipunan or Maginhawa. Instead, we went to our friend's house and spent the rest of the night there.
But before that, lemme give you a bit of a backstory.
So you see, we have five guys in our barkada (aka THE Gimik Committee). Let's call them Ethan, Caleb, Justin, James and Javale. Hehe. Those are random names. I'm close to them all but I think I'm closest to Ethan, Caleb and James. Well, first off, Javale already has a girlfriend and it would be awkward if we're that close. Justin's, well, let's just say most of the time we can only talk about one thing. And I really mean one thing. As for Ethan and Caleb, they're bestfriends, and I get to hang out with them the most. Partly, because we have one class in common. And we do have the same breaks. I'm close to James. Period. Haha. I don't have to elaborate on that. It's just that, what I don't tell to the other guys, I can tell him. And he won't spill.
Where does the problem lie?
I think I'm starting to like Ethan. Scratch that. I like Ethan. And I've been in denial for as long as I can remember. Only when he told me he's crushing on their band's vocalist did I realize that I do like him. You never realize how much you like someone until you watch them like someone else. Let's skip all other clichés I can relate to this. Haha. I have one plan in mind. Stop with this bullshit, stop hanging out with him and avoid him at all costs.
So I went to the Talents Night, oh so ready to initiate my plan. Everything was going smoothly because Alexi (also part of GC) was there to help me. That was until, he noticed and made a BIG deal out of it. He even texted Caleb (he wasn't there) and said, "tae wala ka dito, may problema." Addressing me as the "problem". Tss. I was so annoyed when I found out.
The TN ended, I didn't watch the band's performance (out of sheer jealousy), and he kept avoiding me too. Caleb told me he already knew what was going on. Like WTF. I'm in denial and he already knows?! Good heavens, the universe loves me that much.
I had to come up with another plan. I pretended nothing happened, that I wasn't avoiding him and he was just overreacting. I approached him and asked him what's up. AND THEN THERE WAS AWKWARDNESS. He wasn't avoiding me but I can feel how awkward it was for him to talk to me. Naiilang na siya. Shit. Again, I pretended I didn't notice that.
Fast forward as pretty much that happened after that was just the same. Meh. :|
We went to Caleb's house and started drinking. Ever heard of the "I Haven't" game? That game got me bad. I took shot after shot and before I knew it, I was already tipsy. Or drunk. And here's where the normal me left the building. I can't remember most of what happened that night, but I'm sure with one thing - I did a lot of things to him. Ethan was beside me and he automatically became my victim.
There was this question that I had to answer, "what's the farthest thing you've done with the opposite sex?" Half-awake, half-drunk, I paused, grabbed his face, faced him, went that close and said, "this is the farthest thing I've done, and I don't even like him" and kissed him on the cheek.
I was a mess. I rolled over him, fell down on the mattress, lie on his lap or back, slapped Caleb *this part I enjoyed most hahaha*, and kissed Ethan on the other cheek. Ugh. I even remember hugging him and apologizing, I don't remember what I said tho.That was the cycle. Shot. Rolling over. Lying. Falling down. Slapping. Kissing. Hugging.
Where does the pretending come in?
I kept saying I still like this guy from our org. Let's call him Gelo. Hahaha. I kept rubbing that on everyone's face.
Shot. Rolling over. Lying. Falling down. Slapping. Kissing. Hugging. Pretending.
I know it wasn't effective as I thought it would be. I just hope he believes all that crap about me liking Gelo.
On Tuesday, I will have to face the biggest damage control I have to do. Hope it works out. *crosses fingers*
You know what sucks, a big part of me really wants him to know. It's eating me up inside. I want him to know, but for the sake of friendship and the barkada, I won't.
When I raised that white flag
Let's call it quits. It's been exactly 10 months, 17 days. It was March 1 when I first met you. I don't wanna sound so cliche-ic but I met you while the sun was rising. You asked for my name, and I didn't answer back, just because I'm too busy capturing the sun emerging from the horizon. I never knew what hit me. I just felt that it was love at third sight. Blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda, and you got a typical girl meets boy story. The only catch here is, I don't understand what you have that makes me fall even harder whenever I dare take a step back. I mean, I barely see you, I barely know you, you do not even knew how we met. Or for that matter, you weren't sure if you knew me. I know that would be enough to drive someone away, but hey, up until 2 PM today, I was truly madly deeply attracted to you.
I'm not sure why I made this blog entry. Maybe I want to make things official. So that there will be some sort of evidence or contract, in case I plan to like you again (jeez, that sounds so wrong). Yuki, today, I won't see you as one special person. Why? Go figure out.
Baptismal ni BLOG, PIPI at BINGI ♪
Yeah. Talagang di ko na mahanap yung blogger account ko dito. Fruitcake. Hahaha. Dami pa naman nakalagay dun. Well, bakit ba ko gumawa ng isa pang blog? Eh updated naman yung Multiply journal ko. Dahil napansin ko na hindi naman lahat ng tao may ganito. So, hindi lahat mapapadpad dito. Grabe naman kayo kung mapadpad kayo sa site na ito nang hindi ko binibigay yung URL nito. Stalker ka? Hahaha. Ah basta, dito ako magba-blog pag gusto ko itago ang mga sasabihin ko sa mundo, kapag tinatamad ako sa Multiply at pag gusto ko lang talaga. Haha.
At ngayon, sa ika-21 ng Hulyo, taong 2009, binibinyagan ko ang blog na ito, si BLOG, PIPI at BINGI ♪ bilang isa sa mga hindi opisyal na blog kong nag-eexist sa mundo ng world wide web.
MULTIPLY pa din ang official blog ko. :D
